Day 24

Thursday, March 26, 2015

| the sole / soul entry |

"Homesick, because I no longer know where home is."

A moment of honesty: being happy for a hundred days is hard. I mean, yeah, there is something happy in every day, but yesterday I had a weird, weird afternoon, and so today's happy moment was coming to terms with the fact that that was okay. And so it gets its own blog post.

I don't have words to explain what I was feeling other than just run. After dinner it was all I could do to rush off-campus as soon as possible. It didn't matter where I was going or why or how I got there. Do you ever have feelings that just bubble up from the pit of your stomach until you feel them in your throat? Sometimes it's joy, sometimes it's anger, sometimes I can't find the words for it. That's what happened last night. No words for my feelings, but tears speak when words can't. And tears are healthy. "Tears are not a sign of weakness, from the moment you were born they've been a sign that you are alive."
"Running cures everything." And if you can't run, drive.
It's okay to not be okay. And it's okay to not have words for what you're feeling. It's okay. Life is okay. In fact, life is good. It is so, so good. Life is good. You are valuable. Your feelings are valid, regardless of what they are, or your ability to put words to them. It is so important to know your value in the world, and that it not be dependent on things beyond your control. If your feelings ever gurggle up and you don't know what to do, run. And if you can't run, drive. With good music. Or good company. And keep going until you feel good. Or at least better. It takes courage to feel your feelings and to be strong enough to admit to yourself that you're not always going to be okay. The key is knowing that these feelings pass just like storms and that while you may not feel like dancing in the rain, the storms can only last so long. That's why I like people who smile when it's raining: because character is who you are when the storms hit. 

In Spanish "ser" is used to talk about a permanent state of being, and "estar" for a conditional state. It's important to know the difference between the condition of being okay and the permanence of being okay. Es importante ser feliz, pero no es malo estar triste. 

"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." ― A.A. Milne

Happily yours,


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